The Zombie Apocalypse is coming.
Soon, your quiet suburban life will be filled with brain-hungry zombies milling around on street corners waiting to pounce on anyone walking by with a tasty, fresh brain in their head.
Everyone assumes they’ll survive the Zombies. We assume that all those Zombies bumbling around, mumbling about brains will catch other people. Not us.
We’re too clever or fast or handy with a chainsaw. They’ll gore Aunt Mavis with her gammy hip or the gangly checkout kid or the slightly overweight family next door before they get anywhere near you. Right?
But logically that can’t be true, because if everyone was right, no-one at all would get eaten.
Clearly, we are overestimating our chances of outwitting the Zombies.
So, how can you tell if you really are going to survive a Zombie Apocalypse?
The Zombie Advantage
Surviving a Zombie Apocalypse will be tough.
It’ll be no laughing matter – except for the bits where you give a snappy one-liner after decapitating a zombie with a hedge trimmer (“Nothing to lose your head over, Zombie”).
Our family endlessly dissects (get used to the puns) the many ways a Zombie War could play out.
We reckon surviving the apocalypse will take:
- a high tolerance for gore
- excellent hand-tool skills and
- a near bottomless supply of one liners.
With that in mind, we’ve rated each generation’s Zombie fighting potential. Keep these ratings in mind when the dawn of the dead comes and it’s time to build your team of Zombie slaying survivalists.
Generation Z (Under 21 years old)
Youth and energy will be Gen Z’s assets in the coming Zombie Apocalypse. Coupled with their ability to learn quickly, Gen Z will be hacking off Zombie heads with gardening tools in no time.
Gen Z’s strong sense of justice and openness to religion will help them slash and bash with a zeal other generations will struggle to match.
But Gen Z’s near-sub-zero attention span could see them lose focus with tragic results.
Pausing to take a selfie mid-battle, for example, will quickly see Gen Zers join the undead.
In a world without electricity, Gen Z’s digital native reliance on the internet will be a liability. Without access to instructions from Youtubers or Social Media influencers, Gen Z would be unable to perform even the most basic of life essentials and would quickly starve to death.
Gen Z may also find trouble if they naively apply their natural principles of inclusiveness and diversity. Reaching out to ‘misunderstood’ Zombies to engage them as equals will invariably have disastrous results.
Millennials (22-37 years old)
Millennials, with their entrepreneurial spirit and re-envisage-the-world attitude, will have plenty of drive and enthusiasm for World War Z.
On paper, Millennials seem the best equipped for a Zombie war.
They’re inventive and adaptive, and are motivated by a deep need to create a better world. This righteousness will add heft to their swing and will see many a Zombie head topple.
But in practice, Millennials will struggle to adapt to a world without smashed avocados, cold fusion coffee and craft beer.
Without social media, Millennials will suffer an existential crises (if something is not posted online, did it really happen?) and may slump into a deep depression.
Also, Millennials may not take well to being ordered around by team leaders in the heat of Zombie-battle. Modern workplace pleasantries will be quickly jettisoned when the more pressing priority of not being eaten by ravenous Zombie herds presents.
Millennials, with their need to feel heard and to be seen as a valued team member, may quit mid-battle to seek a more meaningful career path. This course of action will, clearly, favour the Zombies.
Generation X (38-53 years old)
Gen X’s Zombie fighting superiority is obvious.
Having raised themselves while their Boomer parents were smoking weed and testing the limits of the contraceptive pill, Gen X is fiercely independent and self reliant.
Generation X gets it done.
If you need a herd of Zombies hacked into small pieces with nothing but a dessert spoon, Gen X are your peeps.
Low maintenance, emotionally dead and unburdened by ideals, Gen X will be the no-fuss, quiet achievers of the coming Zombie War.
Generation X also brings a certain pragmatism to the fight. We are not likely to face any moral dilemmas with dispensing of newly-Zombified friends. Or with smashing in the brains of Zombies reminiscent of vulnerable groups like little kiddies in wheelchairs.
The only weakness I see in Gen X’s formidable sets of Zombie-slaying skills, is our penchant for a work-life balance. Come 5pm on a Friday, Zombie War or not, we’ll be out the door and off to the Coast with the family. This will be difficult to explain to a herd of brain-hungry, murderous Zombies. Resort towns will no doubt be prime feeding grounds for the undead.
Baby Boomers (54-73 years old)
The Boomers have guile and wisdom on their side, but that’s about it.
Mentally aged, the slow-thinking Boomers will struggle to adapt to a reality without leisure wear and lengthy European river cruises.
Physically slower than even the most decayed of the undead, Boomers will be easy pickings for the undead.
Their natural slowness will also be detrimental to the rest of the group in times of haste – like when, oh, I don’t know, a pack of ravenous brain-munching Zombies are attacking.
Team Building for Zombie Wars
So when the Zombie Apocalypse comes, you’ll need to put together the best team of warrior survivalists you can.
In The Meantime recommends a team comprised of at least 80% Gen X with a handful of Gen Z and Millennials, largely for entertainment value. Don’t forget to include a good-sized contingent of Baby Boomers so you’ll have plenty of Zombie fodder.